1 post tagged “lying”

What you communicate to someone is conveyed in three parts. Only about 10% of what you say is conveyed by the words you actually use to say something; 35% depends on your intonation -- that is, how your voice sounds -- while a whopping 55% of what you communicate is from body language. By gaining an understanding of how to better understand what people convey -- including intonation, but particularly body language -- you will have an easier time clearly communicating with people.

But really, is there any practicality in knowing body language? Certainly. In this entry, I'll explain how an understanding of body language can tell you is someone is lying or being deceitful. That can be a useful skill. And it's easier to explain than intonation.

A Smile (What You Already Know).

Smiles are a simple example of body language, and ones you already know. You can tell the difference between a genuine smile when someone sees you, and a forced, "polite", smile. You just may not know why you can tell the difference.

In a genuine smile, several groups of facial muscles are involuntarily used. In addition to the muscles surrounding your mouth, your cheek and jaw muscles move. The muscles in your forehead push downward and your nose lifts and may wrinkle. Additionally, and probably the easiest way to spot a genuine smile, your eyes squeeze together and wrinkles briefly form around your eye (indeed, for those who laugh a lot, these wrinkles become permanent "laughter lines" as they age).

In a faked smile, the only muscles that move are those directly around your mouth. Only a small percentage of people can voluntarily control other muscles, like those around their eyes, to fake a "genuine" smile. The vast majority of others can't.

While most people aren't likely to be able to tell you the difference between a real smile and a forced smile, most can tell if a smile is real or fake, in their "gut". So, you know more about reading body language than you might think.

This is why I'm going to elaborate on some specifics -- to enable you to better spot whether someone is being honest with you. On the flip-side of the coin, an understanding of body language can allow you to more easily lie to others (should you be so inclined). But in the same way that most can not fake a real smile, it is difficult to fake body language; your body will always give you away.

Base Behaviors (A Disclaimer, Of Sorts).

Everyone has base behaviors. The key to understanding if someone is lying is to look for a deviation from their normal behavioral mannerisms. People like police officers and interrogators are often trained in techniques to quickly ascertain an individuals base behaviors -- often through simple, innocuous questioning -- to detect deceit by variation in these mannerisms.

You can not truly, accurately determine if someone is lying or deceiving you without a baseline to judge things from. The signs I'll point-out generally hold true for people, however...at least people from Western cultures. Behaviors can vary depending on an individual's cultural background, even within "Western" culture, so an understanding of an individual's base behavioral mannerisms is the best way to determine the truthfulness of what they say.

Consider that a disclaimer, if you will. And an important one. What I'm going to share with you will help you with a lot of people. But unless you are particularly adept at reading people -- whether as a result of training, natural ability, or some combination of the two -- you shouldn't rely solely on my tips. They're "down and dirty," if not accurate, indicators. But you probably should not risk relationships or money on these clues.

Also, don't blame me if your feelings get hurt because you realize that someone is lying to you. Now, on to the fun...

Lying Eyes (Look Me In The Eyes When You Say That)

In normal conversation, there is a "triangle" that your eyes typically follow...that is, your gaze generally follows the area between each of the other person's eyes and their nose, alternating with briefly breaking eye contact by glancing at something in the vicinity.

Have you ever asked someone to look you in the eyes when they tell you something? While it's somewhat cliché, there's a grain of truth to this. Someone who is being dishonest with you will often avoid looking you in the eyes.

Of course, "forcing" them to look you in the eyes doesn't guarantee forthrightness on their part. Prolonged, unnatural eye contact is used when someone is lying but trying to convince you, with certainty, that what they say is true.

This is not something you should always rely on, because there are other reasons a "normal" eye contact pattern will differ. For instance, prolonged eye contact may also indicate strong interest in what the other person is saying. Similarly, extending the triangle from the bridge of the nose to the lips or other parts of someone's body indicates interest in that person (in the person because they're cool, flirtatiously, or sexually depending...but that's another discussion).

Honest Eyes (Or Dishonest?)

In The Negotiator, Lieutenant Danny Roman, played by Samuel L. Jackson, called-out someone on a lie based on their glancing one direction instead of another. That seems to be a common theme in movie and television "interrogations" (I'm pretty sure I saw something like that on CSI, too). Of course, while this can often actually be used, it is drastically oversimplified. That is, it's not quite as simple. But...well, let's discuss it a bit. (This section is the longest, so if you get bored, skip down further for a change-of-pace.)

Ask someone a question, and their eyes look in a direction. The direction they look indicates how their mind is processing (recalling or creating) the information, based on concept called neuro-linguistic programming. There are six directions someone will generally look, based on what the questions asks of them. I will give you some examples of questions, the direction someone will look, and what that direction means. Then I'll explain what this means, when it comes to detecting deceit.

Note: These indicators I share are typical of right-handed people; if I give a direction-specific indicator, simply "flip" (mirror) the direction if you're dealing with a left-handed individual.

If your eyes move...

Up-Left (Visual Remembered). Something you have seen before and are recalling. Example: "What color shirt did you wear yesterday?" "Think of what color your front door is."

Up-Right (Visual Constructed). Something you are not likely to have seen before, and will have to construct (imagine). Example: "What will you look like in 10 years?" "Imagine an animal with the bottom half of a chicken and the top half of a snake."

Left (Auditory Remembered). Something you have heard before and are recalling. Example: "What does your favorite song sound like?" "Remember what your mother's voice sounds like."

Right (Auditory Created). Something you are not likely to have heard before, and will have to construct. Example: "What is the highest sound pitch you can create in your head?" "Think of how your voice would sound with marbles in your mouth."

Down-Left (Auditory Digital). Something related to self-talk or internal dialogue. Example: "What is something you continually tell yourself?" "Think of what type of voice you use when talking to yourself."

Down-Right (Kinesthetic). Something related to your feelings. Example: "What does it feel like to walk barefoot on cool grass?" "Think of your favorite smell."

That's great...but what does it all mean? Well, when you ask people something, or even when they're just thinking to themselves, the direction they look is fairly set by what they're accessing. So, because this direction is fairly set, you should know which direction someone will look when you ask them a particular type of question.

Deviation from this normal pattern may indicate deception. As a basic example, you ask an employee to check with someone else regarding a project detail. Later you ask them what that person said. If they look to the left as they explain the details, they are recalling auditory details and are likely telling the truth -- if they look to the right, they are creating these details and are probably bullshitting you.

Similarly, if you ask someone if they hooked-up with that biker-chick they left the bar with the night before...up-left is recalling visual information, while up-right is creating the details in their "imagination". In one case, they're telling you what they really did, and in the other they're telling you what they want you to believe they did. Whether or not you choose to call them out on lying about not sleeping with biker-chick is your prerogative. Ha!

Of course, these are general rules. There are other factors to consider:

• Looking straight ahead, not moving the eyes, or a detached or unfocused look to the eyes may indicate accessing remembered visual images.
  
  
• It may also just mean that they feel it's impolite to not look at you when answering a question. In this case, their eye movements are likely to only be very slight, quick, and their eyes may alternate between being focused and unfocused as they switch between recalling or creating information while trying to maintain polite eye-contact.
  
  
• Their eyes may also not move if the information is well-known to them -- such as their name, or their parents' names -- or something that is fresh in their mind. The eyes don't move in this case because information does not need to be accessed or created.
  
  
• So-called "pathological" liars eye movements vary, as well. If an individual believes in the lie they are telling, chances are the direction they look will indicate they are recalling, not creating information. In this case the lie has previously been created, so they are imply recalling the details.
  
  
• The first eye movement may not be a true indicator of the truthfulness of a comment. For instance, take the barefoot-grass question above. If you ask this question of someone, they may look down-left to repeat the question to themselves to process the question, then up-right to picture the grass, before looking down-right to imagine the feeling. This is the result of people having differing preferred representational sensory modality systems to process, organize, and understand information. That is, people think differently; some are visual, some auditory, and so forth.

And there's much more. But my point is, there are a lot of intricacies involved. This is general information, and the direction someone looks should not automatically be assumed to be damning evidence against them.

I'm Tired Of Hearing About Eyes (Physical Expression)

The eyes may be a window to the soul, but physical expression can be equally compelling, and easier to understand than eye movements. So, what are some of the things you might look for when trying to determine if someone is being truthful?

Generally, physical expression will be limited, and unnaturally stiff. People often gesture while talking, and a switch to more constrained movements may indicate deception. When lying, your hands, arms, and legs often are brought closer to your body where, when truthful, you are more inclined to have broader, more fluid gestures that are directed away from the body. A liar is not likely to touch their chest with an open hand, and often may keep their hands firmly clasped in front of them.

They may continuously touch their throat, mouth, or face -- particularly to scratch their nose or the back of their ear. They may avoid direct eye contact and turn their face or body away from you; casual liars are generally uncomfortable facing those they lie to. Additionally, someone who is being deceitful is likely, without realizing it, to put some separation between themselves and the person they're talking to. They may do this by avoiding sitting as closely with someone as they otherwise might, or place objects between you and them...a coffee cup, magazine, or purse.

Emotional gestures may be incongruent with what is being said. If someone tells you they love you or enjoy your company, but they have an unhappy or dissatisfied expression on their face and seem withdrawn, they may not be being honest, in that regard. Facial expression of emotion is limited to mouth muscles (see what I said about smiling, above).

More Than Hands (How It Is Said Makes A Difference)

Just as important in spotting dishonesty as looking for falsely-displayed emotions on someone's face is the timing of a displayed emotion. If you give a friend a present that they genuinely like, they will smile as they say they tell you they like it. If you give a friend a present that they don't actually like, they may tell you they like it, but they won't smile as they say it. Rather, they will tell you they like it, and then smile after they tell you this. This "emotion" is delayed; it will stay on their face longer than natural, then stop abruptly.

In this case, I would suggest picking better presents for your friends.

Someone who is being deceitful and feeling questions becomes defensive, when an innocent person will typically be more offensive. In addition to a dishonest person playing with their mouth, and often aggravating the effect, they will tend to speak more softly. What they say is often muffled, muddy, or otherwise unclear, when they otherwise would emphasize their comments. Their voice may take on a monotonic quality.

The grammar usage of a deceitful person changes, and their sentences become less natural. They leave-out pronouns ("he," "she," they," etc.). When they say something truthful, the use of pronouns becomes more pronounced, and is emphasized as much or more so than the rest of words in what they're saying. When being truthful, they are more likely to use contractions ("I'd rather..." vs. "I would rather..."). This is a result of a more conscious choice of words.

A deceitful person may speak more than natural, adding extraneous detail they would otherwise not include or be expected to include. This specificity in detail is exacerbated if the person they're talking to is silent, as there is increased discomfort with longer silences and (what seems to be, to them) unnaturally-long pauses. They may repeat words you used in a question when answering the question..."Did you sleep with my sister?" "No, I did not sleep with your sister." (When the typical response would be a simple "No.")

Liars have a tendency to avoid making direct statements, however, if possible. Instead of denying a question or accusation directly, they will imply an answer rather than directly answer a question or accusation..."Did you sleep with my mom?" "What? Why would you ask that? How could I sleep with your mother?" (Note that the implication is that they did not, though they do not directly deny this.)

Additionally, a liar may use humor -- particularly sarcasm -- to direct the flow of conversation elsewhere and avoid answering the question. "Did you sleep with my other sister??" "Yeah, dude, I totally slept with your sister. And damn it if she can't get enough of the ass-sex!" (Right then...that may not come across well in writing, but if said in a sarcastic tone... Additionally, beside using humor, there's avoidance to make a direct statement, here, and repeating what was said to answer the question asked).

If you change the subject of a conversation suddenly, someone who was lying to you about the previous subject will gladly switch conversations -- assuming they have no compelling reason to convince you -- with the quickness and become a bit more relaxed at this switch in topics. A truthful person will probably become confused by the sudden change in direction of a conversation, and will be inclined to want to finish discussing the last subject discussed before moving to the next.

All That Being Said (Keep This In Mind)

That's probably enough for now, no? As I wrap this entry up, bear in mind a few things. No one, individual sign is an indication someone is lying. One should always look for a group of signs when trying to uncover deceit. Additionally, as I said in the beginning, it is more important to remember that people are different. Someone may be a naturally evasive or withdrawn person, be nervous or uncomfortable with a particular subject-area or being perfectly forthright, may have a poor command of a language, or may just have tendencies that are dissimilar as a result of culture or upbringing.

This is why it is particularly important to get an idea of their base behaviors, and look for deviation from these natural behaviors. And note that while you may be more familiar with family, friends, or a significant other, it is actually harder to accurately read the body language of someone you know more intimately. This seems paradoxical, but there are reasons behind that -- however, I've rambled enough and this likely doesn't need to be any longer than it already is. Perhaps if I write a follow-up post to this, I will go into detail.

So...there you go. Spotting deceit through body language. Trust no one. ;-)