As the title suggests it's been quite awhile since I've written in here. I've no place to really vent anywhere but that's ok. Not sure if I'll actually go ahead and use this all the time but the hope is to do so. Maybe learn how to navigate the site and customize my profile and the likes.
I'm back in Kansas. Went through school again and again. Had a wonderful relationship broken but a daughter of 6 months is now involved, and I'm just now on the birth certificate. Tough situation. My fear is I'll fall back worse (and I mean worse cuz it's been bad) into drugs and alcohol but I'm fighting it. Trouble still seeks around the corner. I hate the midwest with so much passion!
As I was sitting here re-downloading all my pictures from many sites (ain't done haha) I couldn't help but reminice. Problem is in some of those reminices are people who've caused issues in the past and I can't seem to delete them. Kinda like I can't seem to delete the people in my life currently that I desparately need to
Lonliness and Fear are two really horrible combonations.
But ya work hard, you manage, you somehow come up with all 3 cases fines, and the custody battle I'm sure is to ensue and continue on. What else can you do?
What do you do when your life is in the shambles and you could result into a really bad situation coming up once court hits?? It's alot, as well as my mental health state. I'm not psychotic, just emotionally and cognitively....*can't think of the word.* Doi!! LOL
I have to think of my daughter! She's getting big and she's so absolutely gorgeous! She's got my eyes and ears!!! Her eyes are my brown only way more beautiful. I love her and don't wanna mess up the chance to see my little girl. Gotta straighten up my life again! Another swift kick in the ass would do!
Until next time kids...help me use this site more often.
Lata
Changes Throughout
Casey-Jack Kitos
Amazing how quickly happiness comes and goes.
Amazing how life is so complicated and difficult to understand.
Amazing how something so good could be put into question.
Amazing how it is amazing to be satisfied.
Amazing how it is to finally have identity.
Amazing how it is to be cherished, complimented, and encouraged.
Amazing how in difficulties come triumph.
Amazing how sadness can be quickly turned into happiness with a simple gesture.
Amazing how it is to be called "daddy."
Amazing how it is to have the positive attention needed for so long.
Amazing how it is apathy can be turned into empathy.
Amazing how fear can creep into being from a simple reminder of the past.
Amazing how a once deep passion can be resurrected, although not at the same
intensity.
Amazing how seeing a caring soul can make one feel incredibly complete and
satisfied.
Amazing how differing styles can collide in one little burst of creative energy
and passion.
Amazing how similar interests can intersect and push the limits of overbearing.
Amazing how genuinely romantic a light dinner, wine and movie holding each
other quietly can be.
Amazing how the love from one radiates happiness, and the happiness from the
other will radiate love.
Amazing how a strenuous day can turn into a relaxed day with just a hug.
Amazing how an infant can bring together two people in soulful happiness.
Amazing how a walk with mommy, baby, puppy, and oneself is subtle and colorful.
Amazing how music can influence change in one's heart.
Amazing how opportunities can arise in darkness.
Amazing how a bad happening turns into rewards.
Amazing how fate can be changed with mistakes.
Amazing how a change can occur from T.V.
Amazing how one's influences change.
Amazing how pain brings happiness.
Amazing how it is....Amazing!
© 2007 Casey-Jack Kitos
OK a few things.....First, OHIO STATE WON!!! But UCLA lost so it's Ohio State and Florida for the Championship. GO OSU!!! WOOT WOOT!!! 61-59 Here's the game...Florida's got the advantage in the paint with Noah hitting from the line and the pocket. Ohio State has got the advantage over Florida with 3pt shooting and rebounds with ugly under the basket! lol Nah, but it's all good! It's gonna be a good game.
Secondly I love my car! I still need a name for her though so get that creative butter churning!
Next, I think we're going to start Premarital Counseling with Pastor Tom, maybe, or maybe we'll start that in 6 months. Either way we're going to start preparing for marriage. Yes I know, and don't say anything! This feels perfect spiritually, physically and emotionally. I've never been happier or more complete.
Lastly, if you don't support me, piss off, if you get mad tough!!! Yeah I said it! What now!
Right now I'm tryna get her to take the night off and go home and rest and we'll pick up baby in the morning and go to this church in Rio Rancho. Or take the night off and spend it with me with no distractions out on a date or something. No we don't have a date set, no we're not engaged, but beware...that day WILL come....................................................................soon................maybe :-) And invitations will be sent presuming I have addresses.....there's toooooooooooo many people I would want to invite. How rediculous!
Anyway, let me be happy and live in my delusional world that it's absolutely unbelievable and perfect! LOL
Yes I'm fine! So.....get back to thinking of names for my car!!!
tikvah
-solemn
Well last night I babysat Baby E overnight while mommy was at work. Beforehand, we were supposed to go to the mall, so we went to Walmart to get a new stroller and we took it out the box in the store and started putting it together and we couldn't figure out the brakes. lol So we threw it back on the shelf and we bought a highchair instead. :-) We were walking through the store and I said "I feel like..." and she finished "you feel like daddy, well you are." You couldn' t tear the smile off my face. lol
Then we went home...well her home, and fed baby and got a back massage (much needed) and she got one and we watched a movie together then she left. I couldn't sleep really but finally did bout 3am, and he woke up at 5:15 so I had to change him and feed him and burp him....he was giggeling and laughing. I've never seen a baby smile, laugh and giggle that early in the morn when mommy wasn't around. Mommy says he likes me cuz he smiles, and laughs, and giggles, because I keep him occupied.
She told me last night that she wouldn't have trusted me with her son all night if she wasn't falling for me. She says it's too early for sex (of which I totally agree) but not too early for love. So I was trying to not fall for her so quickly, but it's hard when she's so amazing. So here's a pic of us:
me and her..and mommy and baby! 
Then she mentioned my weight and kept with it today and I was sad because I hate how skinny I am, but I know she wasn't trying to be mean or rude. She loves me so she wouldn't say something to deliberately hurt me. Creatine, lifting, eating hasn't worked, so now I'm adding Whey Protein a few times a day to try and add some weight so I can turn it into muscle.
Thank you Lord!
Tomorrow....err....tonight her and I should be going to Alex's (my lead staff) for a Bible Study. I pray she agrees to go with me!
I'm so freaking happy! Yes I am!
tikvah
-solemn
It sucks when life is going so good then stupid little things like ignorant drama. I swear some people thrive on drama and making other people feel miserable. Anyway so work was a pain in the ass tonight. Somehow I get caught up in the drama of these kids. Somehow everything is my fault and I'm the bad guy. That's really bad cuz all I do is try and help these kids and show them the right way to do things in their lives.
But that didn't upset me as much as I think I've disappointed my dear Iesha. She quit smoking before she had Baby E, and doesn't want to start back up. She said she'd start back up hanging with me. I don't want that. I've been trying to quit smoking for so long and I know it's bad for me and I know it makes me feel like ass, and I know people look down on me for doing such. But honestly I'm trying! Iesha has done alot in such a short time to help me quit smoking, and drugs and all that crap. I've realized she truly does care about me alot and she said tonight that I make her happy. But then she said you're smoking now aren't you, and I could have said no since she's at work and can't check, but I had to be honest and say yes I just lit a cigar. Stupid me! Cuz as soon as I said that and said I'm sorry I'm really trying hard to quit she said ok I'm actually hanging up this time. Maybe it wasn't cuz of that and it was cuz she had to make other phone calls and stuff but it just felt like she was really disappointed in me. That makes me sad! I told her I really am trying hard and didn't buy a pack today like I usually would. Also said thank you for helping me with compassion not judging and that I don't want to jeopardize what we have cuz I really care about her alot and she cares about me alot too!
It's true! I've never been happier in my life with life itself, with my relationship, or with a beautiful, inspiring, sensitive, strong, caring and pursuing woman! I just don't want to disappoint her and have her upset with me cuz that really would damper me alot. I know maybe I'm looking into things too much, and maybe I aren't trying hard enough but I want to! I don't want to lose her or our relationship because right now it's fabulous and I couldn't be happier.
Oi vey I'm so....stressed and upset. I feel really bad right now. My back hurts, my heart is heavy, my head, etc... God I feel so pathetic! Blast! Well hopefully she'll still come over later today before I have to go to work. I'm falling, but maybe I'm falling too quick, too much, too.....nevermind, I give up!!
That's all chitlins!
tikvah
-solemn
Well things are great honestly! Great job, great car, and very hopeful great woman! Took Iesha and her baby to the mechanic after her brakes were fixed a couple days ago. I felt so responsible, needed, cared about...and I felt kind of like a daddy, cuz baby E was in his car seat in the back and I drove all careful and stuff! I felt very good afterwards. Unforunately, her car broke down yesterday so we're praying that it is able to be fixed for a minimal charge. I just booked her a rental, and will be looking for a car for her in case her's doesn't pan out getting fixed. Her baby is going into surgery Tuesday morning, so please keep her and him in prayer! It's not a major surgery but I know how stressful it can be cuz I've had the same surgery. I may be with her at the hospital if she allows me.
So onto something less serious....I waxed my car today! YAY! First coat! She's a beauty! And, here's two pictures! Problem is kids....she's a sexy car, I need a sexy name! Ok, here's your chance to shine! Let's take a poll on a name for my new car!
Lastly, I really really need someone to take care of Taylor for me. The friend who is watching her just had his electricity shut off and he's going back out on the road and will be gone for 2-5 days at a time. I'm pleading that someone will watch her for a few months at the most...I'm really hoping that by June I'll have my own apartment! So even if you can't if you know someone who'd be willing I would appreciate any help I can get!
Here's my car!
Tikvah
So today was long....mostly cuz I haven't slept in over 48 hours....but I'm bout to pass out finally. Got a $5,000 check in the mail....took it to the bank and now it's under investigation! I'm not about to fall victim to any kind of fraud!
Tonight was wonderful! It honestly was the best night I've had in a year plus! Iesha called and asked me to come over and she made me some authentic Green Chillie (sp) Chicken Enchiladas! It took me awhile to eat them though. NOT because they were not yummy and good, cuz they were the best I've ever had! But it's cuz I haven't been able to eat cuz I'm starting to get sick. Anyway, so she made us dinner and during that time her son was crying so she handed him to me and I held him for about half an hour. I felt so....I dunno! I loved it so much, but it also felt awkward. But yeah, it was wonderful. Her son apparently likes me and would giggle and laugh and smile which apparently has never happend with anyone else....not even with baby's daddy! I've never seen a woman so happy in my life! Anyway so we ate dinner together, and while she changed him and stuff I cleaned up the kitchen. She said "aww you're too sweet!" That made me smile so much! I felt loved, and needed and wanted....something I honestly haven't felt in a year plus!
Then we sat and watched a few movies together and talked about our lives....we're fairly similar except that she was adopted and I wasn't. She really is a sweet girl and she made me very happy tonight. I'm not going to get my hopes up because well her ex situation is the same as mine. She still loves him.....I couldn't really respond without showing emotion. But then she brough baby E back out and fed him and we sat there together watching movies. I think she was concerned with my driving home cuz I HAD to take some pain pills cuz of the amount of pain I've been in for the past few days.
All in all....it was a fantastic night and I
loved every minute of it. And seriously it felt so amazing to have her
trust enough to hold her 3 month old child. He like cozied up to me and
stayed real chill as I danced with him. I've not seen a bigger smile on
a woman's face in a long long time! And I met her little cute Pit Bull
Sage! And now....a pic of her and one of her dog! Amazing! That's all!
Iesha wit no make up! Beautiful!
Sage is so cute! I love that puppy! Not as much as Taylor!!!!
tikvah
-solemn
So Governor Richardson has signed into law a smoking ban in any public place except for Casinos, Cigar Bars, and Tobacco Shops! And with the Earth going through global warming (not that I fall for it) maybe it'll help make it a cleaner atmosphere. Looks like those Truth commercials are paying for them! lol You can still smoke in your car and home and on the streets....so maybe it won't help. haha Secondly the Medicinal Marijuana legislation (SB258) has passed in the New Mexico Senate by a vote of 34-6. Governor Richardson supports the bill and said he would signe the Legislation. It's going before Senate again next week to try and make it an Amendment of the New Mexico Constituion. Mr. Richardson has also signed off on the bill to ban Cock Fighting. Apparently it's a huge sport down here and puts out a bad image on the state. This bill and the smoking ban bill will go in affect in June. The Medicinal Marijuana bill will go into affect either immediately or next month. I can't remember.
Under the bill, the state Health Department would establish regulations by which patients — certified by a physician to be suffering specific medical conditions — could obtain marijuana. The department would license marijuana providers or marijuana-growing facilities.
Patients would be allowed to possess a three-month supply of the drug. Among the possible qualifying illnesses that would make a patient eligible for marijuana are cancer, glaucoma, epilepsy, multiple sclerosis, HIV-AIDS and certain spinal-cord injuries. Those found guilty of fraudulently obtaining marijuana through the state program could be found guilty of a petty misdemeanor on top of whatever drug charges they faced. McSorley said patients would not be immune from federal prosecution. (Courtesy of freenexmexico.com). I wonder what Spinal Cord injuries that would include...surely it would include automobile accidents, severe scholiosis, spina bifida, spondylosis and spondylothesis.
I've noticed that this state has really made some hasty decisions but so far Gov. Richardson is still in the race for President apparently.
I wonder what these changes will do to the economy, social life, fitness, and mentality (morality) of New Mexico.... Thoughts on any of this?
Well no one commented on my poem on here but that's totally cool. I wasn't going to update but I'm waiting for a friend to come back from duties.
So I got some good news this (friday) morning when I awoke. I checked my email and received one from the Admissions Director at ENMU. The email said, congrats I spoke with the VP of the University and he has accepted you into the school. I was so excited when I heard this that I went to the coffee shop Java Joe's and John was playing already. He asked me to go home and get my drum and join him "on-stage." So I went home and got my drum and joined him on stage and played my first public performance in 3 years. I was really excited to be asked on stage to play but really nervous since it had been so long since I had played. But he said I did well and so did many other people. My confidence tells me they were just being polite. I need to work on that definately.
So the wonderful news is I got into ENMU, which is the top school in the Southwest and Midwest for my field, and one of the top schools in the country for my field. Yes, exciting! Why is this so exciting? Because of my last semester at OU, it was going to be very difficult to get into this school. But yay for me I did! Anyways, I talked to my recruiter and was explaining my major. My major is Communications. Under my major I have 4 emphases and was considering adding a minor. My emphases if you didn't know already are in Professional and Business Communications; Public Relations; Broadcasting; and Psychology. My minor would be in Theater.
Problem.....they don't offer my first emphasis. I can only have one emphasis per major, so I'd have to pick either PR or Broadcasting as my emphasis. Psychology and Theater would have to be minors and I could only choose one. If I wanted all of them I'd have to double major. Which is a definate possibility. I would keep Comm as my major and have Broadcasting as my emphasis, and do Theater as my minor. Now the second major I'm not sure about, but I would want PR to be the emphasis and Psych to be the minor. Of course I can do PR as the major, or maybe Business or...ok so I don't really know. Id love to hear as many ideas as possible from my friends because this is going to be a hard decision to make.
I've emailed the person I would like to be my adviser. She may accept me or decline me, I'm not honestly sure which she'd do.
Other good news is I finished my taxes (the all too time consuming task) and finished my FAFSA in less than two minutes! YAY!
There's my update kids....comment away. Ideas for what I should do would be very helpful!
tikvah!
-solemn
So, it has been awhile and I’ve had ample opportunity to update but I’ve had no desire. Although now that I just got off the phone, I have the desire. First, a slight update.
- Tuesday I fell off the steel ladder and my spine and area around it has been swollen but it’s finally gone down.
- I received a letter from T-Mobile this week saying sorry no job. I still have one more possibility there. I was extremely upset by the fact that THEY recruited me and pushed hard, and I was denied a job.
- Thursday I was accused of spreading gossip in Kansas, which is funny…cuz I live 950 miles away. And I’ve left that friendship alone and somehow I’m the bad guy. It’s aright though. I’m over that one.
- Found out my grampa is going in a nursing home. My dad disowned me, my great gramma fell hard and hurt herself (the one going through dementia that I love dearly), my real uncle’s schizophrenia is getting worse and my moderately MR sister moved on her own and my nephew is living with the father.
- I found out that “A” really does care about me a lot and is talking to the rents bout moving here to Alb.
- “B” and “E” are moving to Arizona by my birthday! I really hope I can get “A” to move here with me by then.
Ok so, I’m trying to understand why men who supposedly care for their girlfriend treats her with such disrespect and so much disregard. I mean, it’s a wonder why women don’t trust men as a whole and why women think we, as men are the scum of the earth. My issue with that is this: there ARE good guys out there, and I like to think that I am one of those good guys. I wish the “bad guys” out there would learn to respect their women.
Now with me, I’ve always treated my relationships, my gal, with the utmost respect and I’ve always treated them as Queens or Princesses. I stay in contact with every single one of my exes because of how much I respected them, which is a quality I like to think women are attracted to. Only one, do I not stay in touch, but I’m not going into that.
Men, if you’re dating someone, engaged to someone, married to someone: do NOT treat her disrespectfully. Treat her as a Queen. Don’t put your lady on a pedestal however, don’t forget to remind her of the wonderful qualities about her that you love, remind her how beautiful she is. Don’t be afraid to concede in an argument to keep the argument from getting out of control. Don’t let your pride get in the way of your relationship. That’s one thing I have a lot of control in. I’ve never allowed my male pride to get in the way of any relationship. I will always be the first and have always been the first person to recognize if I’m wrong and rectify the situation. If I don’t realize I’m in the wrong I expect my better half to tell me, but ladies: respect your man just the same, don’t treat him disrespectfully, don’t run over him and be so demanding. Respect his wishes too and DON’T be afraid to concede when you’re in the wrong.
I have a desire to be with someone and I believe it is returned. As I’ve stated before the only reason why we aren’t together and I’ve went through hell in the other relationships is because she moved to Vermont/New York. We are talking about the possibility of her coming here, but I’m not sure that’ll happen. I’d love it to happen as her family loves me and considers me part of the family already. I’m glad her and I are talking again and if I could get her here now, I definitely would without a shadow of doubt. Why? Because she is a Queen. She’s a sweetheart, talented, passionate, compassionate, and sensitive. She’s not afraid to concede. She respects me and cares for me as well. She’s truly someone I can believe does care for me and wants the blessing (for lack of another word) of being with me. We went to church together years ago, dated and never fought. I’ve always said I would never date an ex, and at one time I thought one of my exes would be good to do that, however quickly changed my mind. Now, I shared with her tonight that she would honestly be the first person I would date again after us already breaking up. And it’s definitely true.
I’m glad that I’ve gotten back in contact with the friends that I have. What’s amazing to me about that is the few people I’ve gotten in contact with truly show that they care more than my current friends. Why? Because through the test of time, we’ve been able to start off where we left off 5 years ago, 9 years ago and for one friend 12 years ago. Without regard to what’s happened in our separate lives. I’m glad we’ve been able to remain friends. Best Friends Forever, and Always! Thank you!! I do respect you!
To the rest of you, maybe you can learn from these three people who can reveal who they are if they choose to! Thank you!
Tikvah
-solemn
